(702) Much needed update

We are PCSing back to the states... We've only been stationed in Italy a little over a year.

In December, I attempted suicide by overdosing. My husband made me go to the emergency room. I had to stay at the hospital until they could get me a flight back to the states to an impatient psych ward. Just a few days before Christmas, I was discharged and I went to stay with my dad for a couple months.

I'm back in Italy right now helping my husband clear, mostly just doing household goods stuff (organizing, pre-packing etc). We leave soon and I can't wait to get out of here. We are going back to our last duty station.

A lot of people ask me what happened that caused me to feel that way and I basically just tell them that things got overwhelming for me here, which is true, but only scratches the surface. I don't think I'm ready to get into all of it on here. I haven't even really talked to my therapist about it.

I'm doing ok now, I am still dealing with depression, but I'm a lot better than I was.

(700) Never forget

I realize how "cliche" it is to do a post on 911. For some reason, this is the first year, not including the year it happened, that it actually has hit me. This is the first time I've cried about it. I don't know anyone who died and I don't know anyone who knows anyone who died. I remember at the time still being depressed about my mother who had passed away 2 years prior. I'm sad for the state our country is in as a result. Since then, I have graduated from high school and college. I can't believe it has been that long. My heart is full of sadness and my own fear. Everything about that day and the result has been tragic.

(697) (in)fertility

I have all these ideas on how I want to raise my child, how I want the birthing process to go, etc. I'm becoming very frustrated that it is not happening for us. Part of me has a feeling that we're supposed to wait until we are done with Italy (2.5 more years). But another part of me is worried that I'll be too old. I'll be 28.5 years old when we leave Italy and to me that's pushing it a little.

I hate the term infertility. It sounds so final. I'll never say I'm infertile, at least not until I'm in my 40s... I just say I have fertility issues. Well, we do... the problem seems to be on both sides.

They still haven't found any specific issue with me, although I do have inconsistent periods. They have been happening pretty regularly lately though. I also took an ovulation test today and it was positive. They are going to do an HSG test whenever they fix their machine. The doctor also wants me to do clomid, but I am unsure if I want to do that yet. Plus, my next cycle will probably be when Mike is at a school 2 hrs away (6 weeks long), so I have a little time to think about that. I'm going to also wait until the HSG test is done first. I also found out that Mike's morphology is 90% abnormal, which is up 20% from his last test. I asked the doctor if there was anything he could do to fix that, but she didn't really tell me there were any options.

I've also been reading a book about the connection between body fat and fertility. I'm trying to up my calories and be at a normal weight, but so far I've just been losing more. It's hard to balance ed-nos with wanting a baby. I know I need to have a good amount of body fat, but at the same time that scares me.

I guess when we started getting checked out, we would get a definite answer as to the causes of this... that's another thing that's frustrating.

(696) Getting my kitty

On July 4, I traveled back to the US to get my other cat Toad. Apparently, it's a little weird that I'm stationed overseas, don't bring checked bags on my flight overseas, and travel with an empty carrier. I had to go through security 3 different times and I never left the secure area! Once in Naples, once in Frankfurt, and the other in Newark. I HATE Frankfurt. It's so large and a little confusing and I hate that I have to go through security again. It's so annoying. Oh and when I got to Frankfurt, the gate wasn't printed on my boarding pass, so I asked the travel agent at the first desk I saw. I thought she said C-something but turns out she said Z-something. Luckily I had plenty of time, but it was still a little stressful. Another crappy part was my ~4 hour layover in Newark. I had just a 1.5 hour flight from there until I was done traveling, so it kinda sucked having to wait that long. I hate long journeys... but I made it okay, just exhausted.

Toad is anxious to leave ;)

While here I got to see my brother. He was released from jail into a in-between facility (where they send people while waiting for them to get into a rehab facility). It was so good to see him and glad to see his mind is clear.

I also got to see my sister Stephanie, my niece, and my nephew. It was her birthday so we went to Olive Garden after visiting my brother. Let me say, "Italian" food in the US is very disappointing after living in Italy. I don't even think it should even classify as Italian. It was just soooo different. Olive Garden was my favorite restaurant before moving :(

I got to see my friend Heather and her son Ben. Such a cute little boy :) I also saw my other friends, Heather and Sarah, and saw them again today. We went for icecream yay.

I got my hair cut. The first one is before and the second one is after. The hairdresser cut it a little shorter than I wanted :( Good for running though.

 

Tomorrow is my flight back. I leave tomorrow and arrive on thursday. It'll be a 17 ish hour journey back... FUN NOT. Kinda not wanting to go back to Italy... but my husband is there and I miss him.

(692) Tomorrow is the doctor appointment...

and I'm terrified... last night I cried my eyes out. I'm so scared that something is wrong and I'll never have children. It's just so unfair that so many people who don't even want kids can have them so easily and yet we are struggling.

(690) Hubby is home YAY

He's back from a 6 week TDY in Germany... so happy to have him home

Me right after he came home

Aww, look at exhausted he looks...
hours of driving will do that do ya

  

(688) Happy Father's Day

My husband, me, and my father on our wedding day

My father is a wonderful man. He became my only living parent when my mom passed away. He has always been there for all of us, including his step-children. When I was going through a rough patch, he would visit me every day, making an 1.5 hour drive each way to see me. When I needed someone to look after my cats while we PSC'ed, he did. I know I can always count on him. I LOVE YOU Dad!!