(647) Update to the "Bible in 90 days" post

I've been reading everyday and currently I'm in the book of 2 Chronicles. I'm 34.1% complete. After this I plan to follow another plan that YouVersion has. They have a bunch to choose from and I'm thinking of  picking something that spreads the reading out more than 90 days. Although the 90 day plan is good for getting it done, I really want a plan that'll give me more time to think about what I'm reading. They also have other plans for specific topics like marriage that only take a week or so. I really like the YouVersion website. It makes doing this plan a lot easier. I get to check off each chapter as I read it and I like that. It also has mobile apps for many different phones including Android, so I can access my plan on the go or read on the go.

I'm not sure of the impact it is having but my husband said to me the other day "I think you're going to church too much". Not as an insult or anything, but I guess my views on things are changing a little. My hope is to become a better person. I think sometimes I'm ashamed for people to know I'm a Christian not because of my beliefs but because I definitely do not represent what a Christian should act like. I may never feel that way. There's two outward things that really bug me: my ability to become angry very quickly and I still swear. I'm trying to focus on what I'm saying as I'm saying it but sometimes I just slip. I really want to eliminate this but I'm not really sure how. As for the anger, I try to convince myself to calm down but it just doesn't happen for me. I think I just need to vent somewhere that's not my husband. Even if it's something he did I think it would help if I vented on here or on paper before talking to him if possible.

(592) Please Give Me Strength

I am trying to stay strong because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Today I just really miss him. 21 more weeks to go. Obviously, it's way to early to know the exact date so all my numbers are just an approximation anyway. I love that boy so frickin much. I just want him in my arms again. He keeps asking me if he can come home. Breaks my heart. If it were up to me, he would've never left. I told him to ask his boss if he could come home (jokingly of course, we know what the answer is lol).


I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)


When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there
- "Call My Name" - Third Day

(585) The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain...

The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain, but the only place this path can take me is somewhere good. I want to find God, I want to know him, I want to be a better person. Even if God doesn't exist (which I can't even contemplate), this will at least bring me peace, treat others better, and just be a better person. I know I am a faulty human, I have so many flaws and I don't always do what is right. I want to be at peace... so much of my life has been hurting. In the end it has made me a stronger person, but I don't want to live in the past, I want to move forward, and use the negative experiences to make me a better person. I want my husband and I to be on the same spiritual path. If there's some sort of afterlife (and I believe there is), I want to be with him there. This is something I am struggling with right now and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I make a horrible witness. Maybe He can use me in some way, but I feel so inadequate. I am starting to see that there's a purpose behind this deployment in my life. Slowly, but surely, I am growing stronger in my faith and also physically. Sometimes I even feel, dare I say it, happy. Although, that feeling is usually accompanied by guilt. How can I be happy when my husband is deployed? What right do I have to be happy? I try to push these stupid thoughts out of my head. It's okay not to feel like crap all the time. It's okay to have moments where you are at peace with yourself and just feel good, for no apparent reason at all. And I have to learn to appreciate these moments because they do not happen that often.