(585) The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain...

The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain, but the only place this path can take me is somewhere good. I want to find God, I want to know him, I want to be a better person. Even if God doesn't exist (which I can't even contemplate), this will at least bring me peace, treat others better, and just be a better person. I know I am a faulty human, I have so many flaws and I don't always do what is right. I want to be at peace... so much of my life has been hurting. In the end it has made me a stronger person, but I don't want to live in the past, I want to move forward, and use the negative experiences to make me a better person. I want my husband and I to be on the same spiritual path. If there's some sort of afterlife (and I believe there is), I want to be with him there. This is something I am struggling with right now and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I make a horrible witness. Maybe He can use me in some way, but I feel so inadequate. I am starting to see that there's a purpose behind this deployment in my life. Slowly, but surely, I am growing stronger in my faith and also physically. Sometimes I even feel, dare I say it, happy. Although, that feeling is usually accompanied by guilt. How can I be happy when my husband is deployed? What right do I have to be happy? I try to push these stupid thoughts out of my head. It's okay not to feel like crap all the time. It's okay to have moments where you are at peace with yourself and just feel good, for no apparent reason at all. And I have to learn to appreciate these moments because they do not happen that often.