Everyday I swear I am falling in love with my husband deeper and deeper. I am starting to see purpose behind this deployment (at a personal level). It has brought us closer on an emotional level. Instead of falling back on the physical (cuddling, etc) we are forced to connect by talking. Every day we talk for at least an hour on the phone. I am so grateful that we are able to talk this often as I realize many do not.
For some reason, I have this image of the "perfect army wife". I also feel like I fail at this so badly. When I first got married, I did not live on post for a few months. I was three hours away from my husband finishing up a work contract. I did not know any real military spouses, the only people I "knew" were those from the show Army Wives. That and the books I bought on how to deal with being an army spouse and deployments. Less than a week after we married, he went off for training somewhere. The show and these books were my only source of information on how to be a "perfect army wife".
Since then, and with the help of my husband, I realize that this is stupid. There is no "perfect army wife". There is no right way to do things. Just because "most" people do things a certain way, doesn't mean we have to. I need to learn how to be okay with the way we do things. My husband married me for me and not for some "ideal wife". He married me because he loves ME. I'm all for making myself a better person if it's because I want to but not to change myself and become someone that is not true to me.
I have found that throughout this deployment, my husband has been more supporting than I have of him (on an emotional level). Not to say I don't support him but he doesn't need as much as I do. He says that it doesn't really bother him to be deployed - the only bad things are the long hours and that he's away from me. He's very understanding of me being new at this and that I need more support than I might during a 2nd deployment (who's to say, this is my first). I feel like a failure when I need to lean on him, but that's what he wants. He doesn't want me to hold things in and pretend everything is okay when it's not.
I love him and I will continue to try my best to get through this deployment. I will try my best to stay strong and to grow as a person.
I felt the same way about Air Force wives. When my fiance commissions, I know that he can be judged by MY character. Its difficult trying to live up to that image.
ReplyDeleteI'm no ordinary girl, I like my tattoos and I like being a free spirit. I hope the military life will be accepting of that.