(684) Missing him

I miss my husband and even though he's not deployed I am sad that he's not here. This feels like torture... I don't want to do another deployment.. should be next summer? Who knows... it keeps getting changed. I don't want to worry that he's ok anymore. I want a normal life where I don't have to worry about him leaving every couple months. Reenlistment was good for our finances... not so good for anything else.

I think one of the worst parts is that he's missing my birthday and im alone here... I don't have any friends...

Im too scared, too depressed to do anything other than workout. Im scared to leave base on my own. Im just not happy. Sometimes it feels like an endless cycle. It has gotten so bad I think about cutting again. I think about taking a bunch of sleeping pills and just sleeping away, but it doesn't really work like that... and no one would be here to take care of Leo.

I feel like crap... the sad thing is if I did anything no one would even know for weeks straight...

4 more weeks to go...

:(

(683) Picture Frame Project

When I decided to hang up my pictures, I did a little more planning than I usually do because I saw the idea on another blog... I started this project in April and just now finished it (because I didn't feel like working on it haha)

The first step was to measure the wall. Once I did that, I sketched the area on a grid (below) and mapped out a border area where no pictures would be hung.

Here is the sketch I did before I did anything with the wall

Then I measured on the wall what space I would actually use and marked it off with masking tape. Which did not go well when taking it off... it peeled off the paint. I'm assuming it's really cheap paint here.

Putting the masking tape on the wall to mark off the area

The next thing I did was take my grid on paper and transferred it to the floor using the tiles as a guide. I wanted to arrange my pictures on the floor before I attempted to hang them.

Laying out the pictures on the floor

Then I started hanging the pictures... I used command strips because I didn't want to try to put holes in the walls because I guess they are concrete or something.

Started to hang the pictures

And about a month later, I finished the project...

Finish product

And now to hang the enormous cat picture... not sure if I'm going to attempt this without my husband.

(682) Baby steps

Going off on my own

Today I got dressed, put on some makeup, drove to the ATM to get some euros and drove outside of the base by myself to the pizza place. It wasn't open, but at least I drove by myself there!

Lately I've felt nervous about going off base by myself, but with Mike being TDY I have to force myself or else I'll be stuck here.

Initiation

There was a post on MFP about the other spouse not initiating... I basically copied part of my post from my blog.

I feel so lonely and depressed with my marriage. We pretty much have no sex life, never had much of one unless I was the one who initiated it. The only time he ever initiated was right after we had a talk about it. I kind of feel like I am wasting my time with him. I want someone who will be attracted to me sexually and show interest in me. If he's not going to give me that, what's the point in being there with him, especially when I could be working on my career and finding someone who can give me what I want and need. 

It makes me feel like crap about myself. I feel like he isn't attracted to me and that's probably why I wanted to lose weight to begin with (I was of normal weight before I lost more). I don't really know how to fix this or if it can be fixed. We talk about it all the time and nothing really changes. 

I love him, don't get me wrong, but this has taken such a toll on my self-esteem :( 

We talked about it over gtalk last night... he apologized and said he'll work on it, but I don't know. We talk about it all the time and nothing changes. I've told him all of this... nothing...