(580) Last night was the worst I've felt probably this whole deployment...

I continue to amaze myself on how easily I get pissed off. I get pissed off at something Mike does that's not significant at all (this is only realized after the fact), we get in a fight, and I get into a deep depression. Last night was the worst I've felt probably this whole deployment. I considered doing things I gave up long ago, at least that was a small victory, that I didn't do anything stupid. I felt so empty and lost and alone. If I ever lost Mike, that would be it for me. Just the thought of it made me feel so shitty. Not that he was threatening to leave or anything like that, but whenever we get in a fight, it makes me feel like he could just leave. Honestly, I need to get help. I thought I could handle this on my own, but the depression has come back and it's come back hard. Next deployment (if there is one), I think I should start seeing someone beforehand, so that it's all set up, even if I only go once a month and everything is going okay, it would be nice for when things start to become not okay. You know when you cry so violently that you feel like you're not ever going to be able to stop, when you feel so hopelessly depressed you can't find one reason to continue going through this. I think the only thinking stopping me from doing something stupid was that I didn't want Mike to have to deal with it. I don't want him having to worry about me and I don't want us fighting over stupid shit that I start. I really don't know why he puts up with me. I can't even stand myself.