(633) Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy

This has been on my mind forever, well maybe not forever, but ever since I got married, and especially since I moved on post.... the decision to have kids.

My nephew Michael and Me (he was a newborn and I was about 12)

Everywhere you look there's kids here. Everything it seems is centered around kids. Makes me jealous and I feel like I'm missing out. The only way you can go to some of these events without feeling awkward is to have kids.

Before Mike left we weren't trying but we weren't not trying. We were just doing each other and if it happened it happened. Well it didn't happen and he deployed. No big deal and right now I'm glad that it didn't happen because it's my first deployment and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this. And it would really suck to be alone and pregnant.

We've been talking about whether or not to try when he gets back. A part of me wants to wait until our debt is paid off. I feel like that's the smartest decision because it will be a lot harder to do with kids. I would probably have to quit my job and that will hinder our ability to pay off the debt A LOT. Every cent I make goes towards our debt (which is totally fine with me because it's my debt). And once he's back, he'll be making less money.

Mike wants to just see what happens. He pretty much feels that if we wait until our debts are paid off, then we'll find another reason to wait and then it'll never happen. I get his point... I also want to go back to school and get my master's degree. I don't know how having kids will impact that... Maybe we could make an agreement... the moment our debts are paid off, then I'll go off birth control.

Another thing, I don't know if I'm ready to stop being selfish. What I mean is that when you have kids, everything becomes about them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make my life about someone else.

Also, we've only been married a little over a year, most of it he's been deployed for. I would like a lot more time of just figuring us out without the stress of a child. And right now I just want him all to myself.

Even my reasons for having a child are kind of selfish. I want a child so I have a constant companion especially when Mike has to be gone. I want to not feel left out here. At the same time, I don't want to be raising a child alone in the Army environment. I don't want my child to have to deal with his/her father not being around. I want a little Mike/Allison combination running around, a part of Mike that's here even when he's not.

The more I think about it and write it all out, I think the decision is clearer. Part of me just wants to leave it up to fate (don't worry, I won't be like the lady on a million kids and counting). I'm still very conflicted. I still have about 3-4 months before I have to make a decision. I'm only 24 so I have time. I don't want to wait too long because I'd like to have enough energy to actually play with my kids and all that stuff.

What do you think we should do?