(581) My husband is the most supportive person I have ever met...

My husband is the most supportive person I have ever met. Today he told me, he would rather me blow up at him every so often, than for me to be on medication that makes me feel nothing.

Earlier we were chatting through email:
Me: Honestly sometimes I don't know how you put up with me
Mike: I just keep in mind how much I love you

I feel so bad for fighting with him. I hate when I get all crazy. I hate doing that to him.

(580) Last night was the worst I've felt probably this whole deployment...

I continue to amaze myself on how easily I get pissed off. I get pissed off at something Mike does that's not significant at all (this is only realized after the fact), we get in a fight, and I get into a deep depression. Last night was the worst I've felt probably this whole deployment. I considered doing things I gave up long ago, at least that was a small victory, that I didn't do anything stupid. I felt so empty and lost and alone. If I ever lost Mike, that would be it for me. Just the thought of it made me feel so shitty. Not that he was threatening to leave or anything like that, but whenever we get in a fight, it makes me feel like he could just leave. Honestly, I need to get help. I thought I could handle this on my own, but the depression has come back and it's come back hard. Next deployment (if there is one), I think I should start seeing someone beforehand, so that it's all set up, even if I only go once a month and everything is going okay, it would be nice for when things start to become not okay. You know when you cry so violently that you feel like you're not ever going to be able to stop, when you feel so hopelessly depressed you can't find one reason to continue going through this. I think the only thinking stopping me from doing something stupid was that I didn't want Mike to have to deal with it. I don't want him having to worry about me and I don't want us fighting over stupid shit that I start. I really don't know why he puts up with me. I can't even stand myself.

(579)

Today I did Zumba followed by running a mile on the treadmill. I feel like I could've done more and next time I think I will. I feel like I am becoming addicted to exercise, not in an unhealthy way or anything, just that I really enjoy it and I look forward to it each day.

I miss my hubby. Nights are hard for me.

(578) Picture of Us <3

This was taken while hubby was on R&R

2010-08-22 19.45.24

If it looks like we are a bunch of geeks, it's because we are. :)

(577) This is me just being my crazy self

I have a bad feeling but it's most likely just in my head. There's no indication that something bad is going to happen I just feel really paranoid and anxious right now.

I keep hearing noises and I'm getting freaked out. Does anyone else go through this when they're alone? Hearing little noises that are probably nothing and getting worked up about it... Sorry I don't know what's up with me tonight, been feeling really weird the whole day.

(I made this a separate post because it has nothing to do with the cheating post and I could see how people might think that it does)

(576) Cheating

Seriously sick of seeing questions and posts about husbands cheating while deployed. It creates unnecessary paranoia in my head. My husband has given me no indication that he's cheating EVER. These thoughts just creep into my head because of the stuff I read. Not to say that people shouldn't post what is on their mind. I hate how people say "everyone's cheating during the deployment".

If he ever cheated on me I would honestly feel like I deserved it. I cheated on him when we were dating (he knows about it) and honestly I don't even know why he even wants to be with me. So if he ever did it I would just end up blaming myself, feeling like I deserved it, and I would hate myself. I don't know if I could continue to be with him if he did. I really hope I never have to find out. I'm just so glad he was able to forgive me and move past it. I can't even forgive myself. He has never brought it up or used it against me.

Why is it so hard to forgive yourself? I never ever ever want to intentionally cause him pain again. Not that I did it to cause pain, honestly I was very selfish at the time. I just didn't care if what I was doing was hurting anyone else. I am so sorry. I really feel like I don't deserve him. He says how he doesn't deserve me and I always tell him that he deserves better. I feel like I fail in so many ways.

I completely disagree with the statement "once a cheater always a cheater". I have been faithful this entire marriage and to my knowledge so has he. People are capable of changing if that's what they want to do. When I got married, I made a promise, to my husband, and to God, to remain faithful. It's a huge deal to me. Not something that I take lightly at all. Ever since I got married, I feel more devoted to him. For me it's a huge difference than dating someone.

(575) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #14

1. What characteristic about yourself has either been strengthened or weakened due to your experience as a Military Spouse? (from The Albrecht Squad)
   
   Patience has been strengthened. I am typically a very impatient person and I've had to learn that I have to wait for things, like knowing certain dates, hearing from the hubby, etc.
   
   My ability to deal with stress has been weakened. I already feel under enough stress with the deployment that when other things happen I kind of lose it. I just don't feel like I can handle anything else right now. I know I can because stuff happened the first half of the deployment (cat went missing, grandma died - mine and hubbys, uncle died). It just seems like I can't really handle anything else, but I guess you never know what you can handle until you have to deal with it.
   
   
2. What is your favorite vacation spot and why? (from ‘Tis the Life of the Army Wife)
   
   The only place I've been on vacation is Myrtle Beach, SC. It was pretty nice, but I'd like to go somewhere tropical. Hawaii or somewhere south of the US.
   
   
3. If you could have any fast-food restaurant in the food court on base/post what would you pick? (from The Only Pink in a House of Blue)
   
   Fast food always makes me sick. There are enough fast food places within 10 minutes of my house. If I could pick any restaurant to come to the area it would be Olive Garden. The closest one is over an hour away and it's my favorite restaurant. My husband and I went there after we got married (we did a super small ceremony).
   
   
4. Where did you go on your honeymoon? (from Pennies from Heaven)
   
   We didn't have a honeymoon.
   
   
5. If you could have any job in the world regardless of money, degree or experience, which job would you have and why? (from Proud to Be a Navy Family and The Calm Before The Storm)
   
   My dream job was to be an astronaut. From the time I was in elementary school I was fascinated with space and I've always wanted to know what it feels like to be in a weightless environment. The space program is extremely competitive and at this point I've accepted that I'll never be able to do this. 

(574) I'm not creative enough to come up with a title for this post

I worry about him less than I did the first half of the deployment. I still worry a lot because it's me... but I know what to expect the second half. All I knew the first half was what I saw on Army Wives and what I read in books and frankly most of that stuff doesn't apply to me and the hubby. We don't live our lives like a lot of couples, especially army ones. It comes down to the most simple things really... for one my husband refuses to play video games unless I play because he knows it bothers me (past relationships I was ignored for video games) and he's honestly rather cuddle with me on the couch than doing something separate. During deployment, he calls me every single day, unless he's traveling (in which he'll text me) or I have something going on and can't talk. He never wants to not talk, even when I suggest it.

On another note (because my brain thinks of random things and this is my blog so I'll say what I want :p)... I hate when circumstances make it uncomfortable for me to wear the hubby's dog tags. I hate taking them off. I've worn them since he left and I got to take them off when he came for R&R. When I shower I take them off because when I bend over to wrap the towel on my head it gets in the way and makes it difficult, so I decided that it would be ok to not wear it in the shower. Then as I have been going to the gym more and more I realized that running and the dog tags make an annoying noise. And yes I realize how random this is but it's better than flooding my fb with it.

I really want to get some new workout clothes. The pants I have are really uncomfortable when I start sweating a lot (like at Zumba). Also I wanna get clothes that make me feel good. I don't mean that show off a lot, I just mean something a little more cute.

If my finger wasn't so crooked my wedding ring would fall off. Instead of sucking my thumb like a normal kid, I sucked my ring finger. Out of all the fingers I could've picked... I could have the rings resized but I heard your fingers swell when you get pregnant and I hope that will happen sometime in the future so I will wait to have them resized. And my finger is in no danger of becoming straight any time soon. So they wont actually fall off they just feel that way. Ever since I got my engagement ring I constantly check to make sure they are still on my finger. In my hubby's defense they both fit when he got them.

I feel kinda blah right now. I miss my hubby the most at night :(

(573) So Tired of This

I feel tired and I feel like I need a break. Not from Mike, but from dealing with this. From being supportive. I feel crappy for having these feelings. Yep I'm a horrible horrible person. I hate that I feel this way. I need to just suck it up and be there for him when he needs me and just deal with this myself. I miss him the most at night. When everything is done and I'm just left with my thoughts. When I have to face that empty bed. When I don't have my hubby to hold me.

(572) Commercials or Lack There Of ... and evil candy

One down side about getting rid of cable tv is now there are no commercials. While this may seem like a good thing, it's not. It just means when I have to do something, like use the bathroom or get some water, I have to have the will power to stop the show. The only natural stopping point is when the episode comes to and end. I just never realized how important commercials were. And this is completely random, but I'm sitting here with a full bladder because I lack the self control to press the pause button.

Wow there are 20 calories in 1 Starburst. They are yummy for sure but I need to quit eating them like crazy. I suppose they would be good to keep in my purse for when I feel like I'm gunna pass out if I don't eat something and there's nothing else around. I can't keep eating them like this. Not that I want to be super skinny but I do want to eat semi-healthy and be in good shape for when the hubby comes home.

It really bothers me when the hubby tells me he wants to come home. I like hearing it once in a while but everyday we talk he says that. It just breaks my heart. Of course I want him home, but I also wish he wasn't having such a rough time being away. I mean we gotta make the best of whatever situation we are in. At least that's how I'm trying to approach this. No matter how I word this, I know it probably sounds bad. I love him and I want him home more than anything but I also don't want him to be completely unhappy over there.

I like drinking things from a straw. For some reason it makes it more enjoyable. I'm drinking some Gatorade before Zumba.

So Toad's in heat for the first time (that I've noticed). It's kind of funny to watch, but I feel bad for her. When I have to take her for her shots in November I'm gunna look into getting her fixed or whatever it's called for females. I don't want her to suffer and she's an indoor cat so she wont be getting any. Any it kinda creeped me out because yesterday night I woke up to Leo humping her. Kinda disturbing. I feel like she's lost her innocence now :(

Dear melatonin, please kick in so I can fall asleep at a normal person time and get enough rest to deal with work.

(571) Power of smell

I have the last civilian outfit Mike wore during RnR in our bed where he sleeps. I smelled his shirt and it still smelled like him. Immediately I got tears in my eyes. I'm really missing him right now. I wish I could talk to him but he's still asleep and even though he wouldn't mind being woken up, I wouldn't do that just because I miss him. I would rather he get his sleep. He would rather me call him because that man would do anything in the world to make me happy. He keeps saying how he wants to come back home and it just breaks my heart knowing I can't make that happen. I just want my baby home and in my arms.

On a funny note, our cat Leo sleeps on top of Mike's clothes on the bed and if I try to even touch Mike's clothes, Leo will bite or scratch at me as a warning (it doesn't hurt, it's just his way of telling me to back off). BTW I waited until he was fighting with Toad (my other cat) before I smelled Mike's shirt. Maybe Leo is trying to protect me from being sad.

(570) Zumba!

I am completely exhausted... since I'm not used to waking up at 630 and actually staying awake on purpose. I'm still going to Zumba though. I'm trying to get in better shape for when the hubby comes home. I don't mean losing weight, I mean having energy to actually run 2 miles (and the energy to do energy consuming things with the hubby *wink wink*). Since I have a lot of free time that isn't consumed by cuddling with him, I gotta do something, so yay exercising. Zumba is a lot of fun, it feels more like dancing than exercising, but it's definitely helped me get in better shape and I haven't even been going that long.

(569) First day restarting my job

Well this is a little anti-climatic. I got to work at 740 because I left early because leaving post can take a while depending on what's going on for PT. I'm still waiting for my boss to get here and its 820. I already clocked in though so I'm still getting paid. It's a little weird being back, but it gives me a chance to learn people's names without it being awkward. Last time I didn't pick up on a lot of them and at that point it seemed to awkward to ask the person.

(568) Red Messages

I don't know if other units do this, but ours sends out red messages via email. The subject is like this: UNIT NAME Official Red Message (UNCLASSIFIED). A red message means someone was seriously injured or killed. To find out the details there's a pdf attached. This way you can choose whether or not you want to find out more information. If it was regarding our unit we would get a phone call telling us there was a red message in our email that way everyone got the same information. Although I like the way this is done, it makes it so you have the option of getting more information without displaying it right away. However, it makes me kind of sad to have these reminders of what's actually going on. Typically, I attempt to deceive myself and pretend that my husband is just on a training exercise or we're doing the long distance thing. It usually works... these emails kind of snap me back to reality. I feel so badly for the families affected by this. I can't even imagine what it is like. I tell you one thing, it makes me appreciate my husband even more.

(567) Deployment

Obviously it has been a long time since I wrote, but Mike was deployed in March 2010. So he'll be back sometime in early 2011. I wont know until it gets closer when he'll actually be back. Also we got married July 26, 2009, so I am officially an army wife and have been for over a year now.

We had R&R in August. It was originally supposed to be in December, but Mike had the option of moving it to August. I was a little upset by this because I wanted to wait as long as possible to take R&R so that there wouldn't be that much time left afterwards before he got to come home for good. But it was good nonetheless. It was really good finally being able to see him again. This is my first time dealing with him deployed. I gotta say the last half is a bit easier than the first half. I know I can get through this because I've already done it for 6 months.

FAQs (I get asked this all the time by non-army people)

Q: What is R&R?

A: R&R (rest and relaxation) is a 2 week period where soldiers get time off during the deployment. R&R starts the next day after they arrive in their destination country. For us it was here in the USA, so his R&R started the day after I picked him up from the airport.

Q: Do you miss him now that he's gone?

A: Honestly, this is the stupidest question I get. Of course I miss him. I start missing him the day he got here for R&R because I knew our time was short. I knew I had to cherish each moment.

The last day he was here I could barely eat and I cried a lot. When I had to drop him off at the airport I didn't want to let go. I felt resentment for everyone who doesn't go through this and gets to be with their S.O. I felt pride as I watched my soldier go through the gate to get on the plane.

Even as I type this, I am tearing up, remembering that day. It feels like a piece of my heart gets ripped out of my chest.

Q: When is he coming back?

A: When the Army lets him. It should be around Feb/March but you can never really be sure. It's not supposed to go past a year, but you can never really be sure.

Q: Do you get to talk to him?

A: All the time. I am very blessed to be able to talk to him on the phone everyday. It makes this a lot easier. I don't have to go days, weeks, etc without hearing from him like other S.O.s do. I know how lucky I am. I don't know how I'd be able to handle this if I didn't get to hear from him every day.

I have to remind myself that I chose this life. The only thing that wasn't really my choice was falling in love with my husband. I knew when I met him that he was in the army. At the time I didn't really understand what that would mean. I chose to quit a job I loved to live with him on post after we got married. I chose to marry him. At times I am unhappy with the choices I have made but even if I only get to live with my husband for a few months every so often, it is worth it. Sometimes it is easy to feel pity for myself because my husband has been gone, but I have to remind myself that I did make the choices I made and I am extremely proud to be his wife. <3