(614) Day 9: A photo you took

(613) Day 8: A photo that makes you angry/sad

This makes me sad because this was the day that he deployed. I think he looks cute in this picture though. <3

(612) Day 7: A photo that makes you happy

I love this photo of us, just the way we're looking at each other. This was taken about a few months after we started dating (the second time). I just love this boy so much. <3

(611) <3

My husband did something really sweet. He drank 3 mountain dews before he called me today. Just so he could stay awake to have a long conversation. He also pointed out how I did better when I got angry and was able to calm down (not angry at him just of stuff here). We ended up talking for 3 hours!! Usually when we talk that long it's because we were fighting... not today, we had a good conversation. It was sooo nice. After we hung up (which consisted of about 5 minutes of I love yous :) ) he sent me a text:

Mike: Miss you already
Me: Aww baby I miss you too love you
Mike: Bye, I love you (he does this on purpose, he knows I wont hang up/stop talking if he says I love you last instead of bye)
Me: Wrong way buddy :p you're adorable
Mike:  Just trying to please my girl
Me: Aww baby you are turning me into a big puddle of allison (puddle of allison/mike is one of our "things")
Mike: Well, i'll just have to give you structure. *structure*
Me: Didn't work that just made me more melty
Mike: Well then I guess we'll just leave you like that
Me: Aww okay <3
Mike: I'm at the tent now... Good night baby. I love you so much. <3
Me: I love you too sleep well my sexy handsome soldier boy
Mike: Sleep even better, my hot sexy web programmer girl (It's cute that when he gets tired, he forgets the time difference lol)

I feel so high on love right now I'm going to burst.

(610) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #19

1. What's the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you?
   
   On our wedding day we went to Olive Garden (my fav restaurant) and a person paid for our meal as well as the manager giving us a free meal because we come there a lot and Mike was in uniform, so basically we got 2 free meals (the one we were eating that day and a gift card for another time).
   
2. If you are having a hard time going to sleep, what do you do to help yourself?
   
   Take medication (melatonin) and/or read a book.
   
3. Name something that makes you wish you were a kid again.
   
   The holidays were a lot more fun when I was a kid. Mike and I haven't really had a chance to develop are own family traditions because last year we visited his parents for Christmas and this year he is deployed. I just hope we can develop something that is ours at some point.
   
4. What is something you never believed until you experienced it?
   
   I never believed I would be in such a loving healthy relationship. Before Mike, my relationships were so unhealthy and I felt like crap most of the time. Although we're not perfect in any way, he never purposely treats me like crap like my ex's did.
   
5. What can't you say "no" to?
   
   I don't think there is anything really. I'm pretty strong willed so if I don't want to do something, I don't. 

(609) Disconnected

Today my husband and I tried to talk. It didn't work out very well. Neither one of us had a lot to say and we were both exhausted. We also didn't want to hang up but we figured if we weren't really talking there wasn't much point in staying on the phone. I hate feeling so mentally disconnected from him. Lately it's been feeling like we don't get eachother. He seemed really sad on the phone and kept apologizing for yesterday. I told him he didn't have to keep apologizing for it that it was over with. He just felt bad because when we argue I distance myself a little and he wanted to fix it today, but I told him it would just take some time. It was cute because he said to come back. Made me melt a little. Yeah, I'm ready for this frickin deployment to be over, it's getting so old.

(608) Day 6: Whatever tickles your fancy

I feel like I need to scream or cry. I've just been so stressed the past two weeks and the sources of my stress are finally gone. Just when I think everything is okay again, Mike and I got in another fight. He just doesn't understand sometimes that I don't know what it's like to be IN the army. Things mean different things in the army than they do in the civilian world, especially when it comes to work. I'm trying to understand how things work, but sometimes he just loses patience with me when I misunderstand something because it's different in my world. Blahhhhhh....

Examples:

in the civilian world, if i say i make up my own work schedule, it means I come in when I feel like it and work the 8 hrs... to him he still has to let his boss know if he's gunna be coming in late the night before and that it's not ok to come in whenever... so they mean two different things and he didnt understand this
if his boss said " you should do this" it means "you MUST do this"


I'm still learning and once he explains this crap I get it, but you can't expect me to know something if I've never been through it or anything. Gimme a freakin break and have some patience while I learn this crap.

I am ready for this frickin deployment to be frickin over already.

Please don't judge me harshly. I know I'm not the best wife in the world, but I'm trying and I will continue to try forever.

(607) Day 5: Your favorite quote

My favorite quote is really nerdy. I heard it from my very first programming professor at RIT.


Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana. 

(606) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #18

Can I say that I really hate the term MilSpouse... it sounds a lot like MILF which is really disrespectful and I think that every time I see the term MilSpouse.

Also this is a day late because once again my google reader has reached over 800 items because I haven't had a lot of time to do nothing. I'll be fixing this as soon as the presentation is over for work.

1. Are you a night owl or an early bird?
   
   By nature I am a night owl. I don't get tired until around 2am without taking something. Unfortunately, the rest of the world operates on an 8-5 schedule which forces me to be an early bird.
   
   
2. What makes you jealous?
   
   
   Usually anything that involves something/someone getting any attention from Mike (not just females). I just want him all to myself. I know this is unrealistic and not healthy and I try to control it but sometimes it comes out.
   
   
   Also, I am jealous of all the people here that have kids. It feels like I'm the only one here that doesn't have kids (I know a couple other people that don't, but still). I want a child so bad. Mike and I just got married last year and he's been deployed, so it'll be at least a whole year before I have a kid and about 4-5 before we can get pregnant. So for right now I'm trying to enjoy life without a child because I know once I do, it'll be all about the kid.
3. Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? (There’s only 63 days left!)
   
   Nope and I don't plan on getting anyone anything except my husband. I'm not participating in any gift exchange between family members. I don't have kids. And I'll buy my hubby's care package stuff as it gets closer. I'm not really a big fan of the whole commercialization of Christmas. I am a believer in the saying "Christmas is not your birthday"
   
4. What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
   
   I have very simple food preferences, so probably spaghetti or something like that. I know, not very good use of a personal chef, but since I don't have one that's not an issue.
   
5. Where was your first kiss?
   
   The first boy that kissed me was Willy and that was at my sister Christina's house. I yelled at him because I hadn't given him permission to kiss me. The first boy I kissed was Bob. I think I was at my sister's house when we kissed. The first boy I kissed that actually deserved it was my hubby Mike. Our first kiss was at my dorm room at school.

(605) And it continues...

Yesterday (our trash pickup day) as I was leaving for work around 730, I was 99% sure I saw my address sticker labels on a trash can (they are just number/letter stickers that spell have the address, ex 123A). When I get to work I call housing to cancel the order for the replacement garbage bin. They say they can't cancel it but will pick it up and reimburse me if it turns out to be mine.

I get home from work (1230) and confirm that it is mine. I took 2 photos of it in their driveway full of garbage just in case I needed proof at some point (this was my husband's idea). He also told me I should just dump it out on their lawn, and yes they deserve that, but I'm not going to do something like that. I'd rather handle it the civil way. Since I have confirmed that it is mine, I call the MP's back and they sent 2 investigators out. They see for themselves that she has it. They have a conversation with her and found HER actual trash bin. They told her to leave it out after they picked up the trash. This was probably around 1500 or so.

Around 1700, I went to leave for AWANA. I noticed housing had brought me a new trash can (expected) and I noticed mine was still not there or in her driveway. I tried not to let myself get too angry at this point because I wanted to be positive for the kids at AWANA and just kinda be in the right mindset.

Around 1930, I get home from AWANA and nothing had changed. I had the trash bin from housing (didn't expect this to change, unless someone stole that one, which they didn't) and not the one that is MINE. I WAS PISSED. I wanted to go to her house and yell at her and crap but I didn't. I did the responsible thing and called the MPs again. 2 officers came out and basically said there was nothing they could do tonight because it wasn't their case. I was like WTF! The officer said she couldn't just go over there and accuse her of having it. I said "Can't you just go over there and ASK if she has it?" But no, they couldn't. I have to call the investigator back tomorrow (which is today).

I was being livid at this point. I was frustrated. I did something I shouldn't have. I texted my husband. This doesn't seem bad until you know that he's deployed and was sleeping. Well he hadn't been sleeping because he had been having trouble falling asleep, but as far as I knew, he was sleeping. Yep, I am a bad wife, and I should've been smacked for this one. Yeah, I feel horrible for texting him at a time when he's typically asleep. He tried to calm me down...

Eventually, I just started doing other things and then went to bed. Which brings me to Today...

This morning around 800, housing called me (I had called back yesterday afternoon and left a message). She offered to give me a gift card for going through all this crap. I was told to file a police report by them and then I wouldn't have to pay... well the person that told me that was wrong. That's what they used to do. She actually seemed to care that I went through all that crap, when really I didn't have to. I mean I'd be out the money but I wouldn't have bothered with the mp's or anything like that. So that made me feel a little better... not much though because I still went through this BS and I was still missing my trash bin and still out $85.

I called the investigator when I got home from work (around 1230) but he was at lunch so I left a message. He had called when I was on the phone with Mike so I called him back after that. I explained that the lady didn't leave the trash bin out like she was told to. He said to call housing because it was a housing issue. Typically, I would just be "ok....", but I stood up for myself and said...

I did call housing and I really don't think I should have to pay the 85 bucks to have it replaced, since you guys came out, saw that she had it (filled with garbage), told me to wait til they picked up the garbage to get it (which is understandable), and then when I went out to get it, it was gone.

The investigator asked me who I talked to in housing and I gave him her name and he called her ... and they said they were going to take care of it and he explained the situation (that he saw it at her house and told her to leave it out and she didn't), so apparently I will get my money back. I guess housing is going to come out and try to find it. I did not see it outside and I'm obviously not going to go in people's garages or anything to try to find it.

I just really hope this is resolved soon because I will go insane if it's not.


For the first time, I actually feel like these people are helpful and care about all this crap I went through... hopefully it works out..., it's just a really frickin stupid situation and that's what's so damn frustrating about it.

(604) Day 4: Your favorite book

I typically do not read a lot of fiction books. Mostly if I buy a book, it's a technical resource. So right now, no favorite book, but when I was younger my favorite series was Animorphs. I was obsessed.
 

(603) Day 3: Your favorite television program

Lost (which is over now) and Army Wives

I don't have cable, I watch all my tv on my computer now. 

(602) Congratulations!

Congratulations to my friend Heather. She gave birth to her first child, Benjamin, a couple days ago. I haven't met him yet, but they have posted photos and videos on fb. I've known Heather since 4th grade. I'm so happy for her. :)

(601) The Trash Bin Incident

A few weeks ago, I noticed my garbage bin was missing. I called this the "trash bin incident". These suckers are $80 a pop and I was told to file a police report. So I did... they asked all sorts of random questions that had nothing to do with the incident. The MPs told me they would call me when they had the report finished. I filed the report on October 4. They said it would take about a week. Well... I received no call, so Saturday I went down but they said I could only get reports during the week. I went back today (two weeks later) and got my report. It's 8 10 pages long... all for a trash bin. I'm going to scan the report so that I have a copy and go to housing probably tomorrow. This whole thing raises a question... WHO IS LOW ENOUGH TO STEAL A TRASH BIN????? Really, of all things you could steal... how low do you have to be? I really hope I don't have to pay the $80 to get a new one because then this whole police business is for nothing.

(600) Day 2: Your favorite movie

I honestly don't like watching movies that much. It's too much of a time investment. I'd rather watch tv shows, which I don't pay much attention to either, I just use it as background noise.

Movies I like tend to be psychology or technology related. I'm a sucker for movies about f***ed up people :p

But here are some of my favorite movies...

Fight Club	Girl Interrupted	The Butterfly Effect
The Notebook	Office Space	Thirteen
AI: Artificial Intelligence

(598) Tired

Lately, I've been feeling really tired and thirsty. I go to bed around 10pm every night. I wake up feeling unrested, probably because I wake up constantly. Then after Mike calls around 1pm, I nap. And I am still exhausted. I feel dehydrated and I am constantly drinking water. Maybe the lab work I had done last week will reveal something, but who knows. Maybe it's just so dry here, that it makes me dehydrated and that makes me tired. In the meantime, I'll just drink a lot of water and nap a lot.

(597) I Had a Bad Day

I realize this post will probably make me look like a horrible wife, but I need to get these things out and not keep them bottled up.

Today SUCKED. Things were fine all through work. I left work and it was raining. I needed to go to the store, and by the time I got there it was pouring, it was even worse when I got out of the store. Everything got wet... but I was still okay. Then came time to get back on post. They are doing construction on the main gate for some fucking reason. The line to get on post was so long. It went all the way back to the last traffic lights before the ramp to get on post. This was extremely frustrating. For one, I typically don't eat breakfast, so lunch is the first meal I eat and I was starving. When I don't eat I get really irritable and the long line and the rain and soaked groceries did not help.

So during this time, I get a text or an email from Mike saying to let him know when I was done at the store so he could call. I emailed him from the car before I got out and unloaded the groceries. After I got in the house, I hadn't heard from him, so I texted him and he told me he was finishing stuff. It just irritated me because I rushed to get everything unloaded and to eat lunch and I was still waiting... He said he never got my email and text saying I was home... UGH

So then we talk and I am being pissed about EVERYTHING. Every little thing I'm angry about. And I took it out on him. We fought about the stupidest things, like the war, which I wouldn't really care about if he wasn't there. That's where my anger comes from against this war, the fact that he's there. So that clouds my judgment and viewpoints a lot.

And then he tells me his phone battery is dying because he forgot to charge it and that pissed me off even more. I mean come on, we talk every day, charge the damn phone every day. Forgetting is not a legitimate excuse when you have tools to remind you (phone alarms, notes on your desk, etc).

Yeah and in the middle of all this his phone finally dies. I thought he would try to get online to get us back to normal, but he didn't, and I'm pissed about that.

This is just one of those days where I hate everything and I'm just angry. I'm just in a crappy mood.

(595) MilSpouse Friday Fill-in #17

1. What are some things on your bucket list? (from New Girl on Post)
   
   - Visit every US state
   - Write a book
   - Not sure what else...
   
   
2. How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far? (from Raising Roscoe)
   
   I have been an Army wife for about a year and three months. Before we married, we dated for a year. We have only been stationed here at Ft. Drum.
   
   
3. What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far? (from Confessions of a Sailor’s Wife)
   
   This one takes a bit of thought. Usually there is a song that describes what I am going through at the time, but I can't really remember most of them.
   - "Run" by Kutless.
   - "Somewhere in Between" by Lifehouse
   - "Deadwood" - Garbage
   - "Mistakes" - Kutless
   
   
4. What is your favorite kind of pizza?
   
   I prefer just plain cheese or with mushrooms. My favorite pizza place is Little Ceasers. I still don't get why they don't deliver.
   
   
5. What are three good things in your life right now?
   
   1. I am married to the love of my life.
   2. I am able to work part-time. Grateful that we can afford this option and grateful that my boss agreed to it.
   3. I have a place to live, I don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from, I only have to go as far as my laundry room to have clean clothes
   4. There are just soooo many things I have in my life that I am grateful for. It's so easy to focus on the negative that is nice to focus on the positive. 

(594) Busy, busy, busy

I'll start this with something positive.... today I got a letter in the mail from Mike. It was so cute. He wrote it after talking to me that day and right before he went to bed. He wrote I love you a bunch of times. I really love that boy. :)

And we are 60% done with this deployment. Still an estimate since it's way too early to know the return day lol.

And now for the part that's not so positive, but I needed to get out (don't worry, it's not that bad) ...

Stay busy stay busy. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed and burned out and the busyness hasn't even took off.

Um yeah why did I volunteer myself to 1. learn how to make an android app and 2. teach this to my coworkers in 2 weeks ... why because I'm crazy ... out of all the times I open my mouth why did it have to be to volunteer to do extra work. Now, I've been wanting to learn how to program for my phone (Motorola Droid running Android) and I bought two books to learn how but I haven't cracked them open. And I bought these books while Mike was still on R&R way over a month ago. So maybe this is the kick in the butt I need.

Also I am volunteering for Awana. It is a Christian club at church (it's a Nationwide, possibly worldwide thing) that focuses on youth (2 year olds to 6 graders). I did it as a little kid and I really liked going. The role I got chosen for was T&T (Truth and Training) Leader. This basically means I'll be in charge of about 5 kids. I lead them to big group time, game time, and handbook time. Handbook time is where the pressure is at for me. Not only will I have to listen to them recite scripture, I'll have to lead a discussion about what it means.

I don't think God would have put me in this situation if he wasn't going to be there and work through me, but I am still scared. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm good enough to be leading someone. I fall away a lot and it's embarrassing. I am not a model Christian. I'm not disciplined to read the bible every day or pray a lot. I'm worried I'll do or say something that will ruin this for them. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel called to do it and only through God will I be able to.

I also wanted to volunteer for the SPCA, but I'm going to put that on hold until the Android thing is done at work and after I've gotten a chance to get used to AWANA. I don't like to introduce too many new things into my routine because that stresses me out.

And after writing about all of this, I feel so much better.

(593) My hubby is the greatest ever so there :p

Hubby told me he takes what most Army guys do, and does the opposite. I love this boy. We just had a 2 hour phone call. I'm very lucky that I have a guy who 1. is able to call this often and most important 2. WANTS to talk this much.
Yeah so I have the best hubby in the world :p

I don't know why other people's hubbys piss me off so much when I don't even know them. I guess it's because if anyone treated me that way I'd be pissed and I really wouldn't tolerate it.

It's not to say that we don't have our share of problems, we do, but he treats me as an equal, with respect, and he never intentionally hurts me or acts like an asshole.

(592) Please Give Me Strength

I am trying to stay strong because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Today I just really miss him. 21 more weeks to go. Obviously, it's way to early to know the exact date so all my numbers are just an approximation anyway. I love that boy so frickin much. I just want him in my arms again. He keeps asking me if he can come home. Breaks my heart. If it were up to me, he would've never left. I told him to ask his boss if he could come home (jokingly of course, we know what the answer is lol).


I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)


When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there
- "Call My Name" - Third Day

(591) Always looking out for me

I was watching Bones and it was an episode about Booth and his Army buddy Parker (who died in action). Well this kind of thing always triggers some emotion in me combined with the fact that my desktop background is the picture of Mike in uniform and me. I cried... and guess who demanded me to allow him to comfort me... my cat Leo. He meowed until I let him come sit on my lap and then he let me hug him and he just purred. Mike told him before he left that it was his job to take care of me while I was gone and he takes that job seriously.

Leo is always looking out for me

What a beautiful cat :)

(590) Eat, Pray, Love

I actually finished reading a book. I used to love reading. I did it all the time when I was younger, but being in college temporarily (I hope!) ruined it for me with all those required reading assignments. Well it's been 2 years since I've graduated college (holy crap!) and I have been wanting to enjoy reading again.

Well someone here started a book club and I attended the first time. We read "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It was all right I suppose, there were a few things I could relate to. I once had a "David" in my life and it was not easy getting rid of him. Now I realize how stupid I was but at the time there were so many emotions involved.

I wish I jotted things down as I read this book because now I can't remember what my thoughts were and typically when I read the book, it was right before I fell asleep, so I didn't retain as much as I could have. I might re-read it because when I was reading it I was rushing through it to have it read by the time the book club met. (Although, I just finished it last night and the club met a week or so ago)

Most people at the meeting hated it and couldn't stand the author, but I felt differently. I feel inspired on a spiritual level by this book. Reading about her experience in India made me feel peaceful.

Oh and the cool thing, I got this book for free from a military website. They give you 10 books for free a year. http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/Tools/LibraryResources.aspx

(589) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #16

1. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken?
   
   My dad, brother, dad's girlfriend, brother's friend, my (now ex) boyfriend, and I drove from NY to Myrtle Beach, SC. This was when I was in 11th grade. It was kind of cold because it was around March, but it was a lot nicer there than here. When we came back it was snowing, so the drive back kinda sucked.
   
2. Do you collect anything? Tell us a bit about it.
   
   I do not like the idea of collecting things for the sake of collecting things. I hate clutter and having things that serve no real purpose. (I do make exceptions for a few items of sentimental value)
   
3. What is your favorite part about being an adult?
   
   Getting to do what I want. If I want 5 icecream cones I can have them. If I wanna go somewhere I can just go. Also it's fun being in a mature relationship without all the head games. 
   
4. What song brings a tear to your eye?
   
   "Amazing Grace" - it was played at my mom's and grandma's funerals. I can't sing it without choking up and crying
   
5. Describe your first plane ride (how old you were, where you were heading, etc).
   
   My first plane ride was a trip to AZ to see my aunt and to attend a writer's conference. I loved being in AZ. I was 19 I think, it was after my first year of college.

   

   Ranch in Arizona

(588) Dear self, your body is not starving, quit eating so much today.

Ever since I blacked out yesterday, which I attribute to low blood sugar (I don't have this officially, but I can tell). It was a bit scary because it happened when I was backing out of a parking space at the gym. I didn't hit anything luckily. Now I am so hungry. I keep eating and eating and it doesn't seem to help much. I just ate a whole bunch of pasta. I figure my body knows what it needs so I'm just going to do what it says for now.

I had a dr appointment the day before and I really wish this would've happened before the appointment so I could've told my dr. She ordered me a bunch of blood tests just to check everything. I am a new patient of hers and she wants to make sure everything is okay. I still gotta go do that, probably something I'll do next week.

(587) The Perfect Army Wife

Everyday I swear I am falling in love with my husband deeper and deeper. I am starting to see purpose behind this deployment (at a personal level). It has brought us closer on an emotional level. Instead of falling back on the physical (cuddling, etc) we are forced to connect by talking. Every day we talk for at least an hour on the phone. I am so grateful that we are able to talk this often as I realize many do not.

For some reason, I have this image of the "perfect army wife". I also feel like I fail at this so badly. When I first got married, I did not live on post for a few months. I was three hours away from my husband finishing up a work contract. I did not know any real military spouses, the only people I "knew" were those from the show Army Wives. That and the books I bought on how to deal with being an army spouse and deployments. Less than a week after we married, he went off for training somewhere. The show and these books were my only source of information on how to be a "perfect army wife".

Since then, and with the help of my husband, I realize that this is stupid. There is no "perfect army wife". There is no right way to do things. Just because "most" people do things a certain way, doesn't mean we have to. I need to learn how to be okay with the way we do things. My husband married me for me and not for some "ideal wife". He married me because he loves ME. I'm all for making myself a better person if it's because I want to but not to change myself and become someone that is not true to me.

I have found that throughout this deployment, my husband has been more supporting than I have of him (on an emotional level). Not to say I don't support him but he doesn't need as much as I do. He says that it doesn't really bother him to be deployed - the only bad things are the long hours and that he's away from me. He's very understanding of me being new at this and that I need more support than I might during a 2nd deployment (who's to say, this is my first). I feel like a failure when I need to lean on him, but that's what he wants. He doesn't want me to hold things in and pretend everything is okay when it's not.

I love him and I will continue to try my best to get through this deployment. I will try my best to stay strong and to grow as a person.

(586) Thank you for making me appreciate my husband even more

ARGGG it really pisses me off how some army wives get treated by their spouses. Typically, I think it's none of my frickin business what goes on, but when it's posted on FB and I see it, I get the right to get pissed about it. I am so glad that my husband does not ever treat me the way some husbands treat their wives.

1. My husband would never ever TELL me to pack his Army stuff for him. He wouldn't even ask me to help, I practically have to beg him to let me because he feels like it's his responsibility and I agree. That and I don't know what half the crap is. I will help him if he asks or I'll just hang out with him while he does it.

2. My husband would never ever choose to play video games over spending time with me. EVER!! He refuses to even play unless I start playing. He would rather cuddle with me.

3. My husband would never ever choose not to talk to me during the deployment. If he is able to call, he calls (typically every day unless he travels). He never chooses not to call. If he is able to email me during work, he emails me.

4. When he's home, if I say I wanna go out for dinner, we go, there's no hesitation, no complaining, he just asks me where I want to go.

5. He just wants to be with me, wherever I am he wants to be. He never intentionally chooses something over me. The only time something takes priority is when it's mandated by the Army.

I am not saying my husband is perfect or that we are perfect, but when it comes down to it he treats me so frickin awesome. So thank you other people's husbands who make me appreciate what I have so much more.

I love you so much Mike. <3

(585) The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain...

The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain, but the only place this path can take me is somewhere good. I want to find God, I want to know him, I want to be a better person. Even if God doesn't exist (which I can't even contemplate), this will at least bring me peace, treat others better, and just be a better person. I know I am a faulty human, I have so many flaws and I don't always do what is right. I want to be at peace... so much of my life has been hurting. In the end it has made me a stronger person, but I don't want to live in the past, I want to move forward, and use the negative experiences to make me a better person. I want my husband and I to be on the same spiritual path. If there's some sort of afterlife (and I believe there is), I want to be with him there. This is something I am struggling with right now and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I make a horrible witness. Maybe He can use me in some way, but I feel so inadequate. I am starting to see that there's a purpose behind this deployment in my life. Slowly, but surely, I am growing stronger in my faith and also physically. Sometimes I even feel, dare I say it, happy. Although, that feeling is usually accompanied by guilt. How can I be happy when my husband is deployed? What right do I have to be happy? I try to push these stupid thoughts out of my head. It's okay not to feel like crap all the time. It's okay to have moments where you are at peace with yourself and just feel good, for no apparent reason at all. And I have to learn to appreciate these moments because they do not happen that often.

(584) Rant about FB friends and their SOs

My biggest pet peeve currently is when my friend's on FB, post the following types of things (they both are made up by me, but represent things my friends have actually said):
- "It's been 4 hours since I've seen my BF, however will I get through this... only four more hours til I see him after he gets out of work, I can't wait!!"
- "The next time I'll see my BF is a month from now boohoo"

Seriously, learn to be independent. Yeah it's sucks being away from your SO for almost any amount of time, but be considerate of those friends of yours going through a deployment. Yeah yeah yeah, I signed up for this life, etc, blah blah blah, that doesn't make the fact that in this year, I will only have seen my hubby for 2 weeks. That doesn't take away the pain I feel when I go to bed and half of it is empty. I try my best not to complain that it has been so long since I've seen my husband, I'm pretty sure the only time I posted stuff like that on FB was towards the beginning of the deployment.

And since this is my blog, I get to rant, so there :p and deployment you can go suck it, because as long as the hubby and I never give up YOU LOSE!

(583) Homecoming ... so far away

I am really glad that my hubby has the MOS that he has. I also think that I take this for granted. I haven't been able to find a way to balance my emotions and be supportive of my husband.

I posted to a page on facebook that I "liked" about feelings toward homecoming, which for us is months away.

Me: Does anyone else hate when their SO talks about homecoming when it's months away? I do because I get all excited at the thought and then I'm like disappointed because we still have X months left. Obviously I want him home but I know it wont be happening for a while...

Someone else: I get disappointed, especially when there is talk of them coming home early. But I know that's part of keeping him sane. Thinking about coming home and being with me and his family reminds him why he's doing this. I talk about it with him, make plans I know we won't keep, but I try not to let it get me down because I know that's the only thing he has to look forward to!

Nice to get a different perspective on things. Sometimes I just need to put my feelings aside and make him feel better, or at least try. I want him home more than anything but it's so far away right now, I just don't like to think about it. It feels good until you're brought back to reality where it's so far away still.

It's kind of funny because Mike always tricks himself into thinking there is less time left than what is actually left. Say there are X months left, he'll say there's X-2 left because he doesn't count the current month (even if it's the beginning like it is now) or the last month. Whatever helps him I suppose... I am a number person so I am very much aware of how many months, weeks, days are left.

(582) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #15

1. What is the silliest get-up you have ever worn outside of a Halloween party? (from To The Nth)
   
   I really can't think of anything... maybe I need to be more random.
   
   
2. What is something that you gave up in order to live the military lifestyle? (from Pennies from Heaven)
   
   I gave up a really good job that I really loved, living independently and being close to my friends and closer to my family than I am now (1.5 hrs vs. 4 hrs). Honestly, this gets me from time to time and I reset my husband for it. I don't really think that it's his fault, but it is because of him that I moved on post. I do believe this was my decision, but for some reason I get angry at him for the things I gave up.
   
   
3. If money wasn’t a factor and you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? And why? (from Life and Times of a Displaced Jersey Girl)
   
   I would like to visit Hawaii, Spain and Europe in general, somewhere tropical. Why... I've lived in NY all my life and I want to be somewhere warm for a while. I'd like to visit Europe for all the history. And at some point I'd like to go to Honduras because a child I sponsor lives there.
   
   
4. If you were going to join the military, what branch would you join? Or which MOS/rating would you choose? (from Anonymous)
   
   I would join the Army as an officer (I have a degree already) and try to do communications. Although, this probably will never happen because I'm a little too messed up in the head to join the military.
   
   
5. What is your favorite thing to make for dinner? (from Armendinger Party of 4)
   
   My favorite thing to make would be something easy that takes like 2 mins to nuke in the microwave. My favorite thing to eat on the other hand would be home cooked macaroni and cheese with tomatoes.