Ever since I blacked out yesterday, which I attribute to low blood sugar (I don't have this officially, but I can tell). It was a bit scary because it happened when I was backing out of a parking space at the gym. I didn't hit anything luckily. Now I am so hungry. I keep eating and eating and it doesn't seem to help much. I just ate a whole bunch of pasta. I figure my body knows what it needs so I'm just going to do what it says for now.
I had a dr appointment the day before and I really wish this would've happened before the appointment so I could've told my dr. She ordered me a bunch of blood tests just to check everything. I am a new patient of hers and she wants to make sure everything is okay. I still gotta go do that, probably something I'll do next week.
2010-10-07
(587) The Perfect Army Wife
Everyday I swear I am falling in love with my husband deeper and deeper. I am starting to see purpose behind this deployment (at a personal level). It has brought us closer on an emotional level. Instead of falling back on the physical (cuddling, etc) we are forced to connect by talking. Every day we talk for at least an hour on the phone. I am so grateful that we are able to talk this often as I realize many do not.
For some reason, I have this image of the "perfect army wife". I also feel like I fail at this so badly. When I first got married, I did not live on post for a few months. I was three hours away from my husband finishing up a work contract. I did not know any real military spouses, the only people I "knew" were those from the show Army Wives. That and the books I bought on how to deal with being an army spouse and deployments. Less than a week after we married, he went off for training somewhere. The show and these books were my only source of information on how to be a "perfect army wife".
Since then, and with the help of my husband, I realize that this is stupid. There is no "perfect army wife". There is no right way to do things. Just because "most" people do things a certain way, doesn't mean we have to. I need to learn how to be okay with the way we do things. My husband married me for me and not for some "ideal wife". He married me because he loves ME. I'm all for making myself a better person if it's because I want to but not to change myself and become someone that is not true to me.
I have found that throughout this deployment, my husband has been more supporting than I have of him (on an emotional level). Not to say I don't support him but he doesn't need as much as I do. He says that it doesn't really bother him to be deployed - the only bad things are the long hours and that he's away from me. He's very understanding of me being new at this and that I need more support than I might during a 2nd deployment (who's to say, this is my first). I feel like a failure when I need to lean on him, but that's what he wants. He doesn't want me to hold things in and pretend everything is okay when it's not.
I love him and I will continue to try my best to get through this deployment. I will try my best to stay strong and to grow as a person.
For some reason, I have this image of the "perfect army wife". I also feel like I fail at this so badly. When I first got married, I did not live on post for a few months. I was three hours away from my husband finishing up a work contract. I did not know any real military spouses, the only people I "knew" were those from the show Army Wives. That and the books I bought on how to deal with being an army spouse and deployments. Less than a week after we married, he went off for training somewhere. The show and these books were my only source of information on how to be a "perfect army wife".
Since then, and with the help of my husband, I realize that this is stupid. There is no "perfect army wife". There is no right way to do things. Just because "most" people do things a certain way, doesn't mean we have to. I need to learn how to be okay with the way we do things. My husband married me for me and not for some "ideal wife". He married me because he loves ME. I'm all for making myself a better person if it's because I want to but not to change myself and become someone that is not true to me.
I have found that throughout this deployment, my husband has been more supporting than I have of him (on an emotional level). Not to say I don't support him but he doesn't need as much as I do. He says that it doesn't really bother him to be deployed - the only bad things are the long hours and that he's away from me. He's very understanding of me being new at this and that I need more support than I might during a 2nd deployment (who's to say, this is my first). I feel like a failure when I need to lean on him, but that's what he wants. He doesn't want me to hold things in and pretend everything is okay when it's not.
I love him and I will continue to try my best to get through this deployment. I will try my best to stay strong and to grow as a person.
2010-10-05
(586) Thank you for making me appreciate my husband even more
ARGGG it really pisses me off how some army wives get treated by their spouses. Typically, I think it's none of my frickin business what goes on, but when it's posted on FB and I see it, I get the right to get pissed about it. I am so glad that my husband does not ever treat me the way some husbands treat their wives.
1. My husband would never ever TELL me to pack his Army stuff for him. He wouldn't even ask me to help, I practically have to beg him to let me because he feels like it's his responsibility and I agree. That and I don't know what half the crap is. I will help him if he asks or I'll just hang out with him while he does it.
2. My husband would never ever choose to play video games over spending time with me. EVER!! He refuses to even play unless I start playing. He would rather cuddle with me.
3. My husband would never ever choose not to talk to me during the deployment. If he is able to call, he calls (typically every day unless he travels). He never chooses not to call. If he is able to email me during work, he emails me.
4. When he's home, if I say I wanna go out for dinner, we go, there's no hesitation, no complaining, he just asks me where I want to go.
5. He just wants to be with me, wherever I am he wants to be. He never intentionally chooses something over me. The only time something takes priority is when it's mandated by the Army.
I am not saying my husband is perfect or that we are perfect, but when it comes down to it he treats me so frickin awesome. So thank you other people's husbands who make me appreciate what I have so much more.
I love you so much Mike. <3
1. My husband would never ever TELL me to pack his Army stuff for him. He wouldn't even ask me to help, I practically have to beg him to let me because he feels like it's his responsibility and I agree. That and I don't know what half the crap is. I will help him if he asks or I'll just hang out with him while he does it.
2. My husband would never ever choose to play video games over spending time with me. EVER!! He refuses to even play unless I start playing. He would rather cuddle with me.
3. My husband would never ever choose not to talk to me during the deployment. If he is able to call, he calls (typically every day unless he travels). He never chooses not to call. If he is able to email me during work, he emails me.
4. When he's home, if I say I wanna go out for dinner, we go, there's no hesitation, no complaining, he just asks me where I want to go.
5. He just wants to be with me, wherever I am he wants to be. He never intentionally chooses something over me. The only time something takes priority is when it's mandated by the Army.
I am not saying my husband is perfect or that we are perfect, but when it comes down to it he treats me so frickin awesome. So thank you other people's husbands who make me appreciate what I have so much more.
I love you so much Mike. <3
2010-10-04
(585) The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain...
The only thing I know for certain is that I don't know anything for certain, but the only place this path can take me is somewhere good. I want to find God, I want to know him, I want to be a better person. Even if God doesn't exist (which I can't even contemplate), this will at least bring me peace, treat others better, and just be a better person. I know I am a faulty human, I have so many flaws and I don't always do what is right. I want to be at peace... so much of my life has been hurting. In the end it has made me a stronger person, but I don't want to live in the past, I want to move forward, and use the negative experiences to make me a better person. I want my husband and I to be on the same spiritual path. If there's some sort of afterlife (and I believe there is), I want to be with him there. This is something I am struggling with right now and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. I make a horrible witness. Maybe He can use me in some way, but I feel so inadequate. I am starting to see that there's a purpose behind this deployment in my life. Slowly, but surely, I am growing stronger in my faith and also physically. Sometimes I even feel, dare I say it, happy. Although, that feeling is usually accompanied by guilt. How can I be happy when my husband is deployed? What right do I have to be happy? I try to push these stupid thoughts out of my head. It's okay not to feel like crap all the time. It's okay to have moments where you are at peace with yourself and just feel good, for no apparent reason at all. And I have to learn to appreciate these moments because they do not happen that often.
(584) Rant about FB friends and their SOs
My biggest pet peeve currently is when my friend's on FB, post the following types of things (they both are made up by me, but represent things my friends have actually said):
- "It's been 4 hours since I've seen my BF, however will I get through this... only four more hours til I see him after he gets out of work, I can't wait!!"
- "The next time I'll see my BF is a month from now boohoo"
Seriously, learn to be independent. Yeah it's sucks being away from your SO for almost any amount of time, but be considerate of those friends of yours going through a deployment. Yeah yeah yeah, I signed up for this life, etc, blah blah blah, that doesn't make the fact that in this year, I will only have seen my hubby for 2 weeks. That doesn't take away the pain I feel when I go to bed and half of it is empty. I try my best not to complain that it has been so long since I've seen my husband, I'm pretty sure the only time I posted stuff like that on FB was towards the beginning of the deployment.
And since this is my blog, I get to rant, so there :p and deployment you can go suck it, because as long as the hubby and I never give up YOU LOSE!
- "It's been 4 hours since I've seen my BF, however will I get through this... only four more hours til I see him after he gets out of work, I can't wait!!"
- "The next time I'll see my BF is a month from now boohoo"
Seriously, learn to be independent. Yeah it's sucks being away from your SO for almost any amount of time, but be considerate of those friends of yours going through a deployment. Yeah yeah yeah, I signed up for this life, etc, blah blah blah, that doesn't make the fact that in this year, I will only have seen my hubby for 2 weeks. That doesn't take away the pain I feel when I go to bed and half of it is empty. I try my best not to complain that it has been so long since I've seen my husband, I'm pretty sure the only time I posted stuff like that on FB was towards the beginning of the deployment.
And since this is my blog, I get to rant, so there :p and deployment you can go suck it, because as long as the hubby and I never give up YOU LOSE!
2010-10-03
(583) Homecoming ... so far away
I am really glad that my hubby has the MOS that he has. I also think that I take this for granted. I haven't been able to find a way to balance my emotions and be supportive of my husband.
I posted to a page on facebook that I "liked" about feelings toward homecoming, which for us is months away.
Me: Does anyone else hate when their SO talks about homecoming when it's months away? I do because I get all excited at the thought and then I'm like disappointed because we still have X months left. Obviously I want him home but I know it wont be happening for a while...
Someone else: I get disappointed, especially when there is talk of them coming home early. But I know that's part of keeping him sane. Thinking about coming home and being with me and his family reminds him why he's doing this. I talk about it with him, make plans I know we won't keep, but I try not to let it get me down because I know that's the only thing he has to look forward to!
Nice to get a different perspective on things. Sometimes I just need to put my feelings aside and make him feel better, or at least try. I want him home more than anything but it's so far away right now, I just don't like to think about it. It feels good until you're brought back to reality where it's so far away still.
It's kind of funny because Mike always tricks himself into thinking there is less time left than what is actually left. Say there are X months left, he'll say there's X-2 left because he doesn't count the current month (even if it's the beginning like it is now) or the last month. Whatever helps him I suppose... I am a number person so I am very much aware of how many months, weeks, days are left.
I posted to a page on facebook that I "liked" about feelings toward homecoming, which for us is months away.
Me: Does anyone else hate when their SO talks about homecoming when it's months away? I do because I get all excited at the thought and then I'm like disappointed because we still have X months left. Obviously I want him home but I know it wont be happening for a while...
Someone else: I get disappointed, especially when there is talk of them coming home early. But I know that's part of keeping him sane. Thinking about coming home and being with me and his family reminds him why he's doing this. I talk about it with him, make plans I know we won't keep, but I try not to let it get me down because I know that's the only thing he has to look forward to!
Nice to get a different perspective on things. Sometimes I just need to put my feelings aside and make him feel better, or at least try. I want him home more than anything but it's so far away right now, I just don't like to think about it. It feels good until you're brought back to reality where it's so far away still.
It's kind of funny because Mike always tricks himself into thinking there is less time left than what is actually left. Say there are X months left, he'll say there's X-2 left because he doesn't count the current month (even if it's the beginning like it is now) or the last month. Whatever helps him I suppose... I am a number person so I am very much aware of how many months, weeks, days are left.
2010-10-01
(582) MilSpouse Friday Fill-In #15
- What is the silliest get-up you have ever worn outside of a Halloween party? (from To The Nth)
I really can't think of anything... maybe I need to be more random.
- What is something that you gave up in order to live the military lifestyle? (from Pennies from Heaven)
I gave up a really good job that I really loved, living independently and being close to my friends and closer to my family than I am now (1.5 hrs vs. 4 hrs). Honestly, this gets me from time to time and I reset my husband for it. I don't really think that it's his fault, but it is because of him that I moved on post. I do believe this was my decision, but for some reason I get angry at him for the things I gave up.
- If money wasn’t a factor and you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? And why? (from Life and Times of a Displaced Jersey Girl)
I would like to visit Hawaii, Spain and Europe in general, somewhere tropical. Why... I've lived in NY all my life and I want to be somewhere warm for a while. I'd like to visit Europe for all the history. And at some point I'd like to go to Honduras because a child I sponsor lives there.
- If you were going to join the military, what branch would you join? Or which MOS/rating would you choose? (from Anonymous)
I would join the Army as an officer (I have a degree already) and try to do communications. Although, this probably will never happen because I'm a little too messed up in the head to join the military.
- What is your favorite thing to make for dinner? (from Armendinger Party of 4)
My favorite thing to make would be something easy that takes like 2 mins to nuke in the microwave. My favorite thing to eat on the other hand would be home cooked macaroni and cheese with tomatoes.
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